White and Nerdy

Hey guys :P

Who missed me? anyone? lol probably not. ANYWHO

So yeah, things have been... interesting.. recently...

I've met a guy (everyone cheers loudly yelling "finally!!") well don't get too excited yet, i'm not quite sure about him yet.. i haven't really met him properly before and he's not the most amazing looking guy on the planet but i really like him.. there are other complications as well, he's 22 and my mum and family think that's too old, but to be honest thats not really any of their buisness, i'll date who i like, it's up to me, plus my friend has been dating someone just as old for about 3 years now and they love each other very much, i can see them getting married in the future, and no one seems to have a problem with him. I'm meeting him properly in London on monday with my friends, so this should be interesting, and hopefully fun, but i'll try and remember to update this and tell you guys what happened. I'm also going to see Frankenstein with my friends - it's got Benedict Cumberpatch in it :P love himmm~ so that should be awesome :P

 Alice~

Silence

Love hides behind
Smashed mirror faces.
Secrets whisper from innocent eyes.
Childhood romance turned to Adult longing.
The night growing colder
As the lies turn black
Upon a worn out tongue.
Guilty expressions on expressionless dolls
As they cry silently at cat like slyness.
Black wings wrapped around
An untrustable madwoman.
Love is the bringer of insanity,
The breaker of promises,
And the burning of souls.

Tears and Rain

Dear Blogger,

Another day goes by in this little life of mine... Well for you i guess lots have, i haven't updated this in a while.

The last time i wrote i was going to see Sucker Punch with a friend, needless to say it was amazing. Everything i thought it would be and more, i've never seen a movie quite like it, it's brilliant, the undertones of video games and stuff just really make it, and i'm straight and even i think those girls are hot. The film now takes up my wallpaper on my computer, i love it.

I bought the most amazing shoes on sunday in my favorite place in the world - Cambridge. A pair of amazing Irregular Choice Meow boots, they cost me £100, something i have been saving for a long time, the shoes succeded my expectations when i got them, they are the most comfortable heels EVER, the fluffy insides providing comfort and warmth that rivals that of socks, plus they are beautiful, the little cat on the side almost stares into your soul, and the little bunnies on the bottom create such a contrast, even the box is amazing, it's like a drawer, it's covered in pretty pictures, even the wrapping inside has hearts all over it, i absolutely love it, best shoes i've ever bought. I have a thing for shoes, always have. I find it very hard to buy clothes, in fact going into a clothes shop is my least favorite thing to do, i feel really uncomfortable, not knowing what will look good on me, what styles suit me, anything i put on i will look in the mirror and think 'ew', but shoes.. shoes are beautiful, so many shapes and colours and types and fabrics. My obsession began with converses, i think i have 10 pairs? some real some fake, but now i like buying heels and the more extreme the better, i hate boring plain shoes, i'll wear a plain outfit and amazing shoes, thats how i like to do it. When choosing an outfit i like to choose my shoes first and then build an outfit round my shoes.

I'm in a very melancholy mood this evening, i'm not sure why.. I upset myself earlier because i stumbled upon a picture of me and my ex when we had first started dating, while james blunt was playing in the background - never good. I just burst into tears. Since that i've felt really odd, i cheered myself up listening to happy songs but i just want to be quiet now. It's not that i'm upset, i just feel really odd, i guess i feel lonely... Perhaps just tired, i was falling asleep in RE earlier. But i do feel really weird, like i'm not me or something, i don't know it's really hard to explain... I don't even want to sleep but i think i'm going to get to bed soon and just lie in a ball and stare into space... I really need a hug..

I know this is brief but i really want my bed right now...
Night all x
Alice~

Do you think you are really good looking? Because I think you do :)

HAHAHAHA, my that's hilarious!! I really don't think I am dear, evidently someone hasn't witnessed my REDICULOUS lack of self-confidence.. I really really don't, i think i look okay (i hope i look okay), but it's taken me years to even think that about myself, for a long time I couldn't even look in a mirror because i hated the freak I knew would be staring back at me...

Ask me anything :)

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Berty

Lying here, staring at that cold white ceiling
A sea of brown around me
My head lying on the pillow, weightless
I have a name and a face, but I’m not alive
I do not breathe or grow, or speak or move
I just lie, stuck inanimately, lying discarded
On my masters bed

Do I have a soul, do I have a heart?
I think I am just stuffing, full of cloud
I’ve been fixed twice, but why?
I’m not worth saving, I’m not worth anything
She leaves me alone every day
I don’t cry or make a sound, just lie here
With a crudely drawn smile

Others they have come and gone
Some shared her with me, others never made it
They were not special enough.
I am special, I am loved.
I will be her only one, forever.
I’m there when she cries to dry her tears
There to watch her while she sleeps

They’ll never understand what she means to me
Because I cannot feel emotions
Let alone describe them.
I watched her hurt herself, biting her skin
I watched that boy break her pretty heart
I watched the mistakes she made
I wish I could protect her, but I can’t move or wish

When she smiles, it feels
Like I’m smiling, just a little bit more
When she’s happy I dance with her
Do back flips across the sky
Although I am inanimate, I am her greatest friend
Known her since she was born, shared every second
And always will do, until one of us dies.

Feel Good Inc

Yesterday was a good day, my mum was really happy with her gifts; she started crying when I gave her the moonpig card and says she is going to frame it. The rest of the day was pretty good too, if played pokemon with my siblings for a while, and like the nice big sister I am, took my sister to a party across the road and made a cake. Saying it like that makes it sound like it was easy - yeah, not so much. After using completely the wrong kind of butter and the wrong recipe, my mum helped me to make it, it only took like 10 minutes and I iced it all up when we got back from church in the evening. My friend for whom it was for loved it when I showed her it this morning, I shall be looking forward to lunch time all day, because it just looks so delicious, also we get to embarrass her by singing happy birthday with all the other people in the canteen staring. I forgot to write her card however which is sitting at the bottom of my bag, but I can't really write it now while she's sitting next to me.

 At the moment (in the larger sense, I don't mean right this second) I'm reading a book by Terry Pratchett called Feet of Clay, not the first Discworld novel I have read, my ex boyfriend I remember had an obsession with Terry Pratchett and I ended up reading some of the others then too, after watching the BBC representation of Going Postal with him, I then read the novel and it's sequel - Making Money I've found it hard to get my nose into a book recently and I was in my school library and one caught my eye, so I took out Feet of Clay and Making Magic to read once I’ve finished it, after which I shall take out some more until I’ve read all the ones in the school library. Its great being into a book again, I would be reading it now only I forgot to bring it with me to school this morning so it's sitting on my desk with my pencil case. Oops...

 I'm in a free period at school (yet, again). I should really be working on the film studies essay I have due for tomorrow, but I ended up on here. Oops... Still, I have two frees after this so I have plenty of time this morning, and can carry on working on it when I get home tonight - I have nothing better to do after all. I’m really rather bored today, and yes I know theres plenty of homework I could be getting on with but I really just haven’t got that kind of drive today... God help me when i actually get into a lesson. Just sitting here in my free looking at stuff on ebay and trying to work out if my friend IS actually listening to Feel good inc - Gorrilaz or it's just my imagination

Looking on eBay for catsuit, not as sexual as it sounds though my dears before you get all excited, i'm making a batgirl costume to wear to conventions. It is turning out to be more expensive then i thought it would, at least i have someone to help me make all the middley bits, but he's still charging £40 just for my belt... I guess that's what you have to do to make a costume that will be accepted by an established costuming group (well, both of the ones i' a part of, not that i've met up with either of them in a long time and probably won't until London Film and Comic Con... Still i've got a convention soon, but the outfit won't be finnished by then so it looks like i'll have to wear my Jedi costume again (see picture on the right). I WAS making a costume for MCM London Expo in May but my family decided we're going to Wales instead, so it's been put on hold until the one in October. But enough of my crazy costuming habits i hear you cry. Just seemed appropriate with my friend on cosplayisland next to me... She seems to have become obsessed with doing a SuckerPunch outfit, they look pretty cool to be honest, i think i shall have to go see the movie with her tomorrow..

Kinda bored of life at the moment, everything always seem monotonous. Same things everyday, I wish something exciting would happen. People are always saying "Stop trying to grow up so fast, you're only young, just be patient", but i don't want to, i want something fun to happen, but i'm useless at making these things happen, especially when it comes to trying to find a boyfriend... Yes i know i go on about this alot, but it's always preying on my mind. They tell me to be patient but, i just can't lol, i'm sure i'll find someone eventually.. Anyway, that's all from me for today
much love
Alice~

Anything but Ordinary

So, today when i woke up i was panicing, not a usual way to wake up in the morning i have to admit, but that's how mine started. Two resons for my panic - 1) It's mothers day tomorrow and i hadn't go her anything. 2) I was going to my grandma's. 2 now seems really random doesn't it? I guess it's not something people usually panic about, however, i was. You see, the ex boyfriend i have been casually mentioned, who i don't want to get into too much detail over, was my second cousin. Yes, yes, i know, it's weird, at least most people feel it is, i've never seen it, he was just the guy i was in love with. (emphasis on the was) however during our relationship my father thought my grandma would be one of them and didn't let me tell her. She's only found out recently because our break up which was rediculously messy (he was a bastard, lets leave it at that) and broke up our family. I was terrified she would bring it all up, and be on their side not knowing the ful story, i didn't want to relieve it all, it's been hard enough for me to get over him. Also, she's not my favorite person in the world...

Tesco’s first thing this morning and got some bits I think my mum will really like and my moon pig card came through the post, it's awesome, covered in pictures of me and my siblings, I can’t wait to see her face in the morning! Shall make her breakfast in bed too, because I’m nice like that. And it all went fine at my grandma’s too, my mum had a quiet word with her about what happened and we had a lovely day, spent most of it lying in the garden with my siblings singing along to our music which was playing from my brothers phone. Also we went and looked round a garden centre, in which my brother and I got lost.

At the moment I’m babysitting at a friend of my mother’s house. The kids have mucked me about a lot, but I always get my way in the end and now they’re asleep, at least they better be, I’ll go check in a minute.
Everything turned out alright though, I practically ran to
It’s my friend’s birthday tomorrow so I’m going to make her a cake, I’m useless at making cakes so that won’t go well. I’ll let you know how it went so you can laugh tomorrow.

lots of love
~Alice

The Shadows of the Night

She slips silently

From the realms of reality

Further into the dark chasm

A hand reaching out

Ripping her soul from within

Lips pouted like a lusty rose

She whispers secrets to the night

Toes curling, eyes water

Droplets of pain to caress her cheek

Staring blankly at a white abyss

Closing her eyes she strokes her skin

Pretend they are someone else’s limbs

The mind seeks passion from darkest thoughts

Instinct is a terrible thing

It’s the only way to ease the pain

Nails clawing at pretty flesh

She screams silently.

Madness controlling every emotion

But it will never satisfy

Her hungry heart

She knows she is nothing

Without a hand to hold

A heart to keep, a heart to beat

Thumping against her aching skin

And hands around her naked frame

When fatigue masters its victims

All hope is lost, her red blood eyes

Closing off the silent world

Releasing the rabid monsters

Of a guilty conscience

‘little slut!’ her nightmares hiss

Coiling themselves, strangling out

The last shreds of innocence

Laughing as she shrieks in pain

At the invisible scars that haunt her

Her Mr Hyde is a passionate lover

With whispering smiles

And lick-able lips

Torturing the little child within

With all the guilty pleasures

Inside her is nothing,

Nothing but night black holes

Scars only held with barbed wire

Loneliness and lost senses

Love will always be her master

~Alice

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